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So he went home one time to Ireland and he came back and he had a little index card and he said, listen. I may get her for her own show.

BEHAR: Whatever.

BEHAR: Well, he`s a complicated guy. A comedian may have actually for-shamed them into doing something.

LEARY: If you`re dyslexic it`s like 18 minutes. I`ve got a lot out of him in the book —

LEARY: Listen, I came from the working class. We had sex and then I wake up this morning to this so I can only assume that it means we are starting over.

LEARY: I love it. Arranged marriages I think make a lot of sense because you`re not under the pressure of being in love. You can post online.

BEHAR: What do you mean?

LEARY: I`ve got to be honest with you, I thought I would miss him more than I did because Sarah Palin has become so — so media savvy and so all over the place that it — I kind of forgot about George Bush —

LEARY: That`s how much college is now.

BEHAR: Ok. Who do you consider — are you and Louie C.K. I mean driving a truck probably. So, we`ve got a long, long way to go. That`s good. Attorneys will always be in business.

OPRI: Live your best life in Alaska.

LEARY: I went to Emerson College of Boston —

LEARY: I don`t know. He is also the founder of the Leary Firefighters Foundation. But what I love most about him is that he`s a wise ass. And what did you do? They`re saying in the “New York Times” that you basically were harassing other people.

BEHAR: You have to think. You know what she did, right? Whenever she sneaks out, goes and drinks, sneaks back in, punches the guard.

BEHAR: Yes so how old are you now?

BERNARD: That was the jets. Stand up is the greatest thing in the world. He`s married to this woman. It doesn`t move at all on this foot, but the reason Rex Ryan is into feet is because he hasn`t seen his since 1987.

LEARY: You can read it in 12 minutes. And I decide and then it`s over. And I`m the only show you`re doing?


And I`m going. She`s telling everyone the American people are smart enough.

GILLIBRAND: And that`s why it`s about military readiness. The numbers that just came in yesterday on growth, you know, frankly were a little disappointing.

LEARY: So you can feel good while you`re laughing in the bathroom with this book.

OPRI: Joy, you`re going to hate me. And we`ll be back in a minute.

LEARY: So, is it like — is that like mushrooms?

LEARY: What the hell is Simchat Torah?

BEHAR: A little scare. All right. I mean it`s really – – it`s a book for people who don`t want to read books. And this presidency is only half way. I`m telling you, this guy could be the most successful one-term president in history.

BEHAR: Here are some tweets from your fans out there. The money is getting delivered to whom it`s supposed to go. Senator Kirsten Gillibrand of New York was not only instrumental in the repeal of “don`t ask, don`t tell,” she was a driving force behind the passing of the 9/11 first responders bill yesterday, and somehow, she still has the time and the strength to come on my show, and I`m thrilled to have her here. But he went to Cleveland and he murdered them on the court. I should have a few lines.

BEHAR: Do you still smoke and why?

BEHAR: A little comedy.

LEARY: Ok, not Katrina.

BEHAR: I`m not talking about Oprah. You were relentless on this bill and on “don`t ask, don`t tell”.

LEARY: Sure. We worked so hard, and we are finally at the 11th hour able to bring some Republicans to stand with us to do a final compromise and pass the bill, and we passed it, the last vote of the session with unanimous consent. It`s fabulous.

BERNARD: What? Are you kidding?

OPRI: He`s best known for “The Graduate.”



BEHAR: Who wrote this, Louie C.K.?

VOS: Well, my parents couldn`t pick out a good suit for my bar mitzvah, OK?

BEHAR: I got to go. So, you know, it makes no sense.

BEHAR: Well, we could use a little more of that in Obama, more of I`m the decider. I mean, people wrote him off, the left and the right, and he came back victorious.

LEARY: I know, really. But now —


BEHAR: Well, that means you like her?

BEHAR: My feet on both sides look stunning. I`m very sympathetic. And my parents were illegal immigrants who came to this country in the `50s.



BEHAR: You`re wonderful. Lebron — this one is a poor Lebron. I don`t know. Did you think it wouldn`t happen?

BEHAR: I know.

LEARY: Anybody knows. But you have to be very careful when you insult Sarah Palin because, unfortunately, the reverse effect happens. This is — this is his regret.


LEARY: Come on.

BERNARD: But I love the fact that Dustin Hoffman is saying this.

VOS: Well, very intelligent.

BERNARD: I think maybe, I don`t know. It went through two committees of jurisdiction.

So —

LEARY: You know, I mean, some of these linemen even in the NFL, I`m like, guys really, you`re a football player? I don`t think so. We don`t know. They throw the C word around and punch her in the face.

GILLIBRAND: There`s no reason they shouldn`t have the health care they need. That`s it, right? So if somebody like assassinates a baseball player that`s my ultimate book. President Bush was not something he was willing to put forward under his administration.

LEARY: It`s a bathroom book.

LEARY: I don`t know. I wanted to do funny stuff. By the way she is smoking this thing, I don`t know, called salvia. I love Oprah. Politicians when it comes to stuff like this, it really makes me want to go to Washington and take a hostage. She never trashed people, and all of a sudden, she`s going off the air.

BEHAR: For those of you who don`t know Lenny Clark —

BEHAR: You like acting better than stand-up.

LEARY: I don`t do those.

BEHAR: It was very important.

LEARY: It`s the stupidest thing in the world. Conan is from Worcester where I`m from.

GILLIBRAND: It`s great. I think he`s great.


BEHAR: So no empty nest syndrome for you.

BEHAR: 19 million? I don`t think so. But that`s ok.

LEARY: I have never — I didn`t care about her.

LEARY: Sure.

LEARY: Then his career was over. But that`s — I like funny books. What is it to him? He`s in Oklahoma. So, we had our votes. I`m not going to rehab. And he crawled into a teenage girl`s bed from the beach in Malibu because he was so out of it he thought he was in his own house. Yes, I would. What is the secret to being married for 21 years, not living in Hollywood?

BEHAR: I know, I know.

LEARY: It`s too much work. Are you going to miss playing that character?

BEHAR: She`s a half governor.

BEHAR: Why does he deny it?

LEARY: I`m cutting edge on the pop culture. Number two he is a really talented guy. Not — not about food. Whether he can get this economy back on track is still a very tough question and whether he can work with Republicans, a swollen Republican majority next year, is still a big question.

GILLIBRAND: It should never have taken nine years. It`s a hallucinogen of some sort. That seemed to me the most un-American thing.

BEHAR: Would you like an arranged marriage?

BEHAR: That was Denis Leary playing Tommy Gavin in the hit FX show “Rescue Me” which is coming back for its final season next summer. Goodbar.

BEHAR: Right.

BEHAR: OK. Never said I was good at that.


BEHAR: Then they call themselves patriotic.

BEHAR: Clinton. We really do.

LEARY: How did I not know that? I mean with all these Jewish friends I have. That`s an arrangement.

VOS: Yes, and falling out, here. Yes.


LEARY: Two firefighters died today.


LEARY: I love Lebron. Something had to set him off.


VOS: Hindu girl, Hindu, India, whatever, was getting married to somebody that her family put her —

BERNARD: I think she`s trying to be very careful about it. What would you be doing if you weren`t an actor/comedian?

Once I told Conan that, which to this day he denies. But what I know is that the House and the Senate have been working tirelessly over the last few years to just move it to this far, and we finally had our final vote in the Senate. But I don`t smoke anywhere near as much as I used to and at this point it really is just — it`s like —

And I was like, hey. She said one time they`re so gorgeous I want to put them on my face.

BEHAR: On a scale of one to Rex Ryan`s foot fetish, how unnatural is marriage?

BEHAR: That was a look at Denis Leary from his classic stand up show “Lock and Load”. I don`t know. He`s not —

OPRI: I respect her.

BEHAR: A lot — 19 million he does not have.

BEHAR: Who are these people?


LEARY: I hate going to the bathroom to read something and it`s really small print and it`s like a real book. You got to love her. They were agreeing to do this. What is it? I don`t know what it is. I don`t know what it is exactly.

BEHAR: Back after a short break.

BEHAR: Well, you don`t have to like her just because she`s good at it.

BEHAR: Save 9/11. Do you think his career is done? Mel Gibson.

BEHAR: No, but your tweets are funny. Jon Stewart, you`re right.

LEARY: Now when they caught her smoking the bong I love her. The first line of response is firefighters. Because the kids come home. “Rescue Me” was very fast; it was a lot of fun. I don`t want that. I wonder where I should go.

VOS: Did you see the arranged marriage? How depressed she was throughout the movie?

BEHAR: He doesn`t want to be associated with you. The president took some time out to talk about all of this.

Otherwise I don`t know where we`re going to end up. And you said it was a Christmas miracle. “Don`t ask, don`t tell” just got passed. My father`s mother`s name was Doherty. He wasn`t — I tell you something, his show was on after my show called “Louie”, his half hour show.

LEARY: No. I`ve been watching that kid on channel 4 and I finally put my finger on it. Then somewhere at the end of the summer I looked at some of the old tweets and I was like, wait a minute. Thank you all for watching. Easy for you to say, right?


BEHAR: But you`re saying she gets more popular, but who is more popular than Oprah Winfrey?


GILLIBRAND: I mean, literally, you`re telling men and women who want nothing but to die for this country —

BEHAR: Right. Look at my beautiful feet.

BERNARD: Because she knew that whatever she said was going to be controversial.

LEARY: How much snow outside 16 inches? Let me think. In fact, you have really beautiful feet. He scores 60 points a night and you want him to drive the team bus? He`s 25 years old.

BEHAR: That is — I don`t — do not go there. Where would you want to be? Hum, South Beach or downtown Cleveland. I would typically just go to my colleague and say, so, have you had a chance to look at the bill yet? Have you looked at the new paper? What do you think? And worked through them. He`ll put any woman`s foot in his mouth.

LEARY: Well, I`m exaggerating slightly.

OPRI: Well, you can do something. She is so rich.

LEARY: — which my son goes to but I went on scholarship which is amazing.

BEHAR: But the anxiety before-hand is really difficult.

BEHAR: Do not go there. Good. It was funny too.

LEARY: So my wife and I just have free rein.


OPRI: Until the next therapy.

BEHAR: Right. friends?

BEHAR: Sports website Deadspin has posted foot fetish videos of someone that sounds a lot like New York Jets coach, Rex Ryan and someone that looks a lot like his wife. Terrible. It`s like, what are you talking about? What about the $50,000? It only covers the tuition and the room.

LEARY: So I was 40 in that, at that time. It`s great, very exciting.

LEARY: I know, everybody, all of us.


BEHAR: It`s very simple.

OPRI: She is trashing her. What is their problem?

BEHAR: Ok. Remember, we were here talking about the Mexican TV anchor who was possibly harassed by some people in the locker room?

BEHAR: Do you think that he is so swaggerish and so confident because he was born rich?

GILLIBRAND: Well, I just feel so privileged to have the opportunity to serve and to be an advocate for New Yorkers, and you know, over these last few weeks, it really has been exciting, Joy. I`m paying $50,000 a year for you to have a room at that school.

LEARY: A re-commitment.


LEARY: If it was Democrats I`d be saying the same thing about them.


BEHAR: That`s true.

OPRI: It`s subliminal.

BEHAR: So, what`s it with that team, Sarah?




LEARY: It`s not — not the two wars that you got us involved in.

BEHAR: What are you doing for Christmas?

LEARY: No. So I`m a stupid competitive guy and my wife said, you know, she started Twittering and said Conan is Twittering and he has like 19 million people and I thought, well, I`ve just got to do it because I want to see if I can be — because he was pretty funny on Twitter. The reason that the guys on 9/11 were so high in numbers is because it was a terror attack on our country. Firefighters came from across the country, steel workers from across the country, they were Americans. We lost 10 percent of our foreign language speakers in languages like Farsi and Arabic which we desperately need.

RICH VOS, COMEDIAN: My left toe is dead. These aren`t bad. It`s not even ten years later and they tried to deny this bill. I`m not up on my drugs.

LEARY: It`s the greatest thing in the world.

BEHAR: You might be loitering (ph) shoe stores, Manolo Blahnik, you never know.

SARAH BERNARD, HOST OF “THE THREAD,” YAHOO!: We`re not seeing them from the right side, unfortunately

LEARY: After eight years. Maybe, they got her guard down. It`s true. So, let`s do another story. You don`t have to put your feet in. He says, and this is — “there is nothing more unnatural than family or marriage.

OPRI: The “Yentl” was the match maker. It`s a bathroom book.

LEARY: Yes. They`re kind of evergreen.

BEHAR: Here is one, page four in your book. Right?

BEHAR: I know.

BEHAR: Where are they?

LEMON: I`ve got to go. I was at the president`s signing ceremony, and there were men and women in the crowd who said I`m signing up tomorrow. We`ll take the word lame out of this.

BEHAR: That Oklahoma guy.

GILLIBRAND: It`s absurd. I know. So let`s go to some of your tweets.

OPRI: As a lawyer —

GILLIBRAND: Well, it`s my privilege.

GILLIBRAND: I don`t know. Let`s put your feet out there.

LEARY: You know what, I think — first of all, I think there are a couple of things here. And when we demonstrate that, we can then go back for more funds should they need it, should there be more health care costs or more compensation. Thank you very much, David, for your input.

LEARY: — this job is — is a difficult job. So sure enough he`s like my fourth cousin.

BEHAR: Why are they interested — try that. Do you like Christmas?

OPRI: It`s going to be an arranged marriage.

GILLIBRAND: No, I was just asking them nicely.

BEHAR: Wasn`t everybody that at some point?

BEHAR: With me now to discuss this is David Gergen, CNN senior political analyst and former presidential adviser. I mean, they cannot wait to serve this country.

GILLIBRAND: I mean, can you think of a more corrosive, discriminatory policy?


BEHAR: Just give me the secret. It was $24 a term when I went. I love her, though. She is beautiful. Ok? Irish cuisine?

BEHAR: I know, but can`t the answer to the Republicans be, well, then we should have cut the taxes? We should not have extended the tax cuts for the very wealthy in the country and then we wouldn`t have such a problem? No?

BEHAR: It`s like get a life. I mean he`s a great actor and a great director.

BERNARD: This is fascinating.

LEARY: No it`s not. Thanks, ma.


BEHAR: He likes shoes. So now this 9/11 health bill passed. I`m just saying. Are there any models out in the snow? No. Scenes like that where he can`t get himself to say the word “commitment”.

BEHAR: We`re proud of you. Evil.

BEHAR: Get into it.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: They`re like really soft.

BEHAR: No. Kirsten Gillibrand

Aired December 23, 2010 – 21:00:00 ET

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. You mind if I touch them?

VOS: Yes. What she`s really saying is you poor dumb bleep, bleep, bleep.


LEARY: I`m elated, extremely elated.


LEARY: Well, I don`t know. And then you say, well you eat enough (EXPLETIVE DELETED) there is bound to be something bad in it.

VOS: No, but she`s trashing these people because she is going off the air. They came home for Thanksgiving, and they were like what happened to my room?

LEARY: Everybody deserves a second chance. All right.

DAVID GERGEN, CNN SENIOR POLITICAL ANALYST: Hi there, Joy. It really makes me ill. They really massacred — talk about assassination of character. Now they`re saying she called her the C word.



BEHAR: No, that guy.

BEHAR: That`s great.

LEARY: No, I don`t really.

BEHAR: You can`t. I wear the same thing. Good for him. That`s the truth. Me too. And they never go on strike. You really have to give him credit.

BEHAR: I don`t know. David, is this Obama`s way of saying, stick it where the sun don`t shine?

BEHAR: But in this segment I have a couple of like pop culture things I want to ask you.

LEARY: I mean, really?

Now, that`s one guy I do not miss.

BEHAR: With me now to talk about this and other stories in the news are comedian, Rich Vos, Sarah Bernard of “The Thread” on Yahoo! and Debra Opri, family law attorney.

BEHAR: Where did you go to school?

OPRI: Now, you`re going to say a half wit?

BEHAR: Do you think that —

BEHAR: Maybe. There`s health care.

BEHAR: You`re 53. Maybe there is a little sniper in me. We`ve got to keep them from eating what they want to eat and we got to — we go to educate them.


LEARY: Well, I`m just, you know. And that`s why I was hoping that we would have that goodwill to bring people together, and that`s exactly what happened.

LEARY: She`s in rehab — she has been in rehab for like six months. Oprah Winfrey told “Parade” magazine that Sarah Palin is quote-unquote “charming” and quote-unquote “|very likeable.” But when asked if she worried about Palin`s potential presidential run in 2012 she said, quote, “It does not scare me because I believe in the intelligence of the American public.” Easy for her to say. I mean, he did a lot so far.

BEHAR: What about this Lindsay Lohan thing who was allegedly pushing and confronting a technician at the Betty Ford Clinic?

BEHAR: Yes. Meanwhile, he is supposed to be the one for marriage.

BEHAR: Or Denis Leary as he calls himself in France.

LEARY: It`s an herb? I bet you it`s an herb. I thought Yentl was Barbara Streisand.

LEARY: Come on. These are the men and women who literally raced up those towers when everyone was coming down. These — I won`t say the word — these morons who, you know, spent all this time going down to 9/11 to Ground Zero and afterwards hanging around with firefighters and getting their picture taken with firefighters — ooh, firefighters, heroes. I was at Barnes & Noble the other day and I saw a book entitled “Irish Cuisine” and I laughed my balls off.

LEARY: Number one. But — but it was like —

LEARY: A little comedy — a little comedy.


LEARY: I don`t know. All I read are sports books and books about war and assassinations. We`re proud of you as a New Yorker and as an American.

LEARY: So my math is off. Really?

BEHAR: But I mean — there is something about the guard that`s not kosher. I really love it.

GILLIBRAND: It did. Well, I have to tell you, you know, there are a lot of Republicans in this country who thought that seven weeks ago, hey, they won the election.

VOS: You can only get to the level of where they`re at, you know? I`m going to end up with some girl whose dreams are to work at flea market in Bergen County? You know what I mean? I`m not going to be able to meet a rich girl.

BEHAR: That`s right.

BEHAR: We`ll have more with Denis Leary on the way. It was on a plane.

BERNARD: I think we have to get you up on YouTube.

LEARY: — you know and again, I don`t want to get into, you know, blaming people. Also you represent the country.

GILLIBRAND: Olympia Snowe, Susan Collins, Lisa Murkowski. I`m big on the pop culture —

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Wow. And fundamentally, it goes to the integrity of our whole country.

GILLIBRAND: Thank you.

LEARY: So it`s unbelievable.


LEARY: You know.

DAVID LETTERMAN, HOST, “LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN”: Think about it. But, you know, I think that maybe she`s letting her guard down, Oprah, because she`s off of network TV this year.


LEARY: He`s not a public speaker.

BERNARD: Twenty something years.

LEARY: — until he came back on the decision tour you know and then he reminded us of some of the —

LEARY: He`s unbelievable.. We`ll show that there`s no fraud, there`s no problems in the program. They went to every Senate office to talk to Democrats, Republicans, about why this bill mattered to them and what diseases they were suffering from. Conan`s mother was a Doherty. That was the one thing.

BEHAR: President Obama rounded out the year with a slew of legislative successes, the tax deal, the repeal of “don`t ask don`t tell,” a nuclear arms treaty with Russia, and the passage of the First Responders and Food Safety Bill before heading off to Hawaii. What is it with the Jets? I don`t know. But if —

BEHAR: No, right.


BEHAR: I know.

BERNARD: No, nightmare. When is Simchat Torah?

LEARY: What is Simchat Torah?

BERNARD: What does Barbara have to do with this?



BEHAR: Let`s read one of those. But it`s just like —

LEARY: — Lenny was going to school and it cost him $200 a year.


GILLIBRAND: Many times.

BERNARD: You don`t get that. This book is called “Suck on This Year”. And we`re like just two days of mourning and then we were like, hey, we can do whatever the hell we want. They are changing their tune about you and President Obama.

And so, I took up the bill a year and a half ago on the Senate side and worked very hard with Senator Schumer and my colleagues, Harry Reid, and the whole Democratic caucus. If the Jets win the Super Bowl, no one cares if he has a hundred feet in his basement, OK? You know what I`m saying? They don`t care if he has seven hands.

LEARY: Lenny Clark went there.

BEHAR: I love that.

BEHAR: I know. They didn`t release the figures on how many kids are too stupid to be in the military but, you know, we`re in trouble here.


LEARY: If you know, if I can`t think of a famous Democrat right now besides the President. Well, they`re changing their tune now, honey. Your lungs are done, baby.

LEARY: Sure. He`s the one.

BEHAR: Oh, so, Julia Roberts was upset?

BEHAR: OK. Everyone should have the right to get married and then divorced.

LEARY: It`s my favorite holiday, yes. All of our celebrities are breaking up totally right before the New Year. I mean, that`s why I really saw this as a national security issue because of this policy, we lost 13,000 personnel and countless others who didn`t join.

LEARY: But what is it?

GERGEN: Well, that was a hard call for the president.

LEARY: I just really love it. One of my Irish uncles, my uncle Jerry Leary who died a couple years ago was very big on family history and roots and everything. I want to see sports scores or laugh. It`s true. I`m telling you right now. It has the victims` compensation fund so if someone is widowed because their husband who worked on the pile for weeks and months is dying because of cancer, she will not be left in bankruptcy. But he`s getting a lot done quite quiet, he`s getting all these bills passed. I think she`s –

VOS: If my wife wants to arrange another female, that`s OK. They finally give her a breathalyzer to get back into the Betty Ford Center.

LEARY: Kanye West, I`m going to kill him if I see him.

LEARY: Dick Cheney? He was good for some comedy though.

BEHAR: What school are they going to? Well, you don`t have to tell me.

GILLIBRAND: Yes. My father was a teamster.

LEARY: Yes. Simchat Torah.

LEARY: If we have another terror attack it`s going to be same thing and you`re going to deny these guys the benefits for what they do? It`s sickening. Let`s have an arranged marriage.



OPRI: The internet — look, matchmaker.com. The biggest thing that — his biggest regret is Kanye West calling him a racist.

OPRI: I think they worked for hundreds of years.

BEHAR: I know. Let`s move on. This was an important chapter, but it`s a long book.

BEHAR: Ok. It makes no sense.

BEHAR: Why? What is it about assassination that intrigues you somewhere?


BEHAR: But I mean, what she`s really saying is the American people are not dumb enough to put her in there which means that she is dumb. We had a couple speed bumps in the past. Just saying.


BERNARD: Well, it was more than that. It`s very important to me that we have a guy that represents us in terms of not, you know, mixing up words when he is on the podium.

LEARY: They have dragged their feet about this thing forever. But, you know, the important thing is, from his point of view, instead of being on his back going into 2011, he`s back on his feet.


BEHAR: Robert Downey is a sweet guy. Forget about how amazing the firefighters were that day and what they did in giving, 343 of them giving their lives, but these people went down and cleaned that mess up in about three months` time. What are you doing for Christmas?

LEARY: I know. I wasn`t qualified. It was really worked hard on, but we never seemed to get it over the finish line.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: There`s no car trouble or anything?

OPRI: Hey, the whole bottom line is when the graduate meets the Yentl, he`s never going to put out an attorney out of business. It`s five years, and it`s a full program, and what we can do at the end of that five years is go back and advocate for more funds because what we can do now with this new program is show that it`s efficient, it`s effective. So I`m really happy about it. Stay in Alaska, shoot as many animals as you want and get as fat as you want.

BEHAR: Why? Why not?


BEHAR: It`s legal in some states.



I mean I`m on this movie Spider-Man — Spider-Man 4 or whatever and it is a lot of fun but it`s a big thing and it`s very slow. Arranged marriages, if you saw “Eat, Pray, and Love” which is one of my favorite movies of all time —

BERNARD: And here he is with Owen Wilson who obviously has a more colorful life and romantic history, and he is saying that marriage, you know —

LEARY: Yes it really is you know, you got to love these guys when they do that stuff.

BEHAR: What was depressing, and why was she depressed?

LEARY: I got a lot out of him in the book, because he is still having those heart things so every time he has a heart thing there`s always a little —

BERNARD: So, you`re against arranged marriage?

BEHAR: OK. In fact, she`s had a great week on behalf of the American people. It`s just a little embarrassing.

BEHAR: Watch.

LEARY: Lenny Clark went to UMass which I`m sure they don`t want me saying out loud. I get like boxing or sports butterflies like I get a little nervous right before we go out which is good and then as soon as I get that first laugh I`m in. As to his claim about the most productive two years, well, that`s a matter of dispute.

GERGEN: And here, what the heck happened? You know, as President Obama goes out with all the smiles at the end of this lame duck session. You have to help these people out financially.

BEHAR: Denis Leary.


LEARY: And — and like — I just, now my kids are like, yes. They`re the ones who were there —

LEARY: Lindsay reminds me of one of my cousins if they try to bring her into the Betty Ford Center. Right.

LEARY: A hip hop guy called you a racist. I have to ask you.

LEARY: I`m so glad that this passed.

BERNARD: Yes or fall in love.

My brother is a teamster so I`d probably be a teamster. They are there to represent their states, and sometimes, it just takes the real urgency of the moment to bring people together and that`s exactly what happened.

LEARY: God love him.

LEARY: You have to get the food and the books is extra.

BEHAR: Yes. That`s why they`re both so difficult. It`s the same thing. And Sarah Palin is a very attractive woman.

LEARY: She`s really funny. We`ll be back with more with Denis Leary.


BEHAR: What?

Look, we had two firefighters in Chicago. She gets more popular.

BEHAR: OK. And that`s what this was about. It went through 21 committee hearings. Let her — nothing —

BEHAR: Why? They`re that bad?

BEHAR: It does. And we`re back talking about his new book “Suck on This Year.” How old were you there?



BEHAR: And look at all the things that have been passed in the past few weeks under Obama. You look good though, Denis.

OPRI: Oprah Winfrey is selling a good brand.

OPRI: Well, I read the book. They did it basically out of — because of their pride and caring and, you know, all great things. He is supposed to stay in Cleveland for the rest of his life? Come on, guys. We`re like 67th on the math list and we`re like 47th on the science list and number one in fat kids.

JOY BEHAR, HOST: The front page of “The New York Post” says that Jets coach, Rex Ryan, and his wife have a foot fetish. You`ve got to give him credit. He`s married a long time.


UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Let`s cut to the chase.



LETTERMAN: The arms treaty. And we need that now. I wish you would. Where`s dessert? Ok.

BEHAR: What did you think of Sarah Palin — Sarah Palin saying that Michelle Obama should speak quiet about telling kids what to eat?

LEARY: It`s just a little charity angle, you know.


LEARY: Denis.

BEHAR: So then, why is she saying it then?

VOS: First of all, it`s so —


OPRI: Joy, joy, it`s the graduate meets Yentl. It`s about our national strength. Do you get any flack for that, any pushback from the Republicans?

BEHAR: Ok. You see the bellies on some of these linemen? It`s not steroids. I can`t answer that question. First of all, can I just say those are not attractive feet?

LEARY: So when people say his career is over, Robert Downey Jr. Not in a blood way. They wrote you off in a certain way when you first took office, am I right? I mean the “New York Times” says that you were derided as an accidental senator and lampooned for your verbosity and threatened with many challengers who openly doubted your ability.

LEARY: I got to quit. So I read the thing — I saw the thing pop up on the news and I go wait a minute. So, they could send you some, you know, this guy, Rex Ryan, for all I know. There are lots of kinky people out there. I love it.

BEHAR: Thirty-five.

BEHAR: Look, it`s not a stupid country. If you see the video of her, she`s like — talking in tongues. Goodnight, everybody.

BEHAR: No one here has tried it.


BEHAR: Well, it was $7.4 billion but the Republicans complained so they got it down to $4.2 billion. I need money for books. It`s the best out of all the ages I`ve been.

BEHAR: I`m a fake Jew. Because these are all public servants. I was getting ready for a tour.

LEARY: I`m not saying that Mel didn`t sound crazy but my first question is, what did she do that set him off that particular day?

LEARY: Of all time? Richard Pryor. It`s outrageous and too long for these heroes to wait. So, how you think about these last two years depends a lot on where you sit.


You know what are we famous for cuisine-wise? We put everything in a pot and we boil it for 17 and-a-half-hours straight until you can eat it with a straw. was in jail about 12 years ago —



LEARY: Louie wrote in.

LEARY: They really are. The 9/11 bill —

BEHAR: All right. I`m an only child, you know, so this really appeals to me.

LEARY: And I`ve got three. But, you know, between first, you had Brett Favre sending pictures of his penis and now this.


LEARY: Well, let me say — he must have like 3 million. I mean, this is a celebrity driven crazy world. Some of them were so fantastic and they would improvise and make our stuff better and every day was very exciting with those actors. She is really funny. What are you going to do?

BEHAR: That`s true.


VOS: No. It reminded me of somebody. They`re really soft.

LEARY: How — how people in the middle class and working class put their kids through school I`m telling you it`s —

OPRI: Joy, it filled out the job (ph).

BEHAR: More than Simchat Torah?

BEHAR: Right.

BEHAR: Do you puke before a show?


They want us to come together, get the hard work done, and do the business of the American people. John Field, one of our first responders, organized a group over the last few years and went there every single time, week after week when we needed them.

BEHAR: Who is your favorite comedian? You don`t have to answer.

LEARY: Just watching that clip I really miss playing the guy. You took off. I`ve never really lived there. It was just a question of time. Right?



LEARY: I like this age. They`re football, right?

OPRI: I know.


BEHAR: I know.

LEARY: Really?

BEHAR: And you can even bring it back and you put it under the headline of history. The next thing you know, we`re going to have sex tapes.

LEARY: By the way, the book — my portion of the proceeds of this book goes to the Leary Firefighters Foundation to help firefighters, you know. I love the actors on that show. Look. That`s how old I am.

BEHAR: What about the crossword puzzles?

BEHAR: Sit right there. I do think it was one of the most productive lame duck sessions in history, far better than anybody would have expected. I`m 53.

VOS: You`re sitting next to him.

BEHAR: Yes. It`s fried chicken. It was the advocates and the first responders and the families who came to Washington week after week, day after day to lobby these senators. BEHAR: — in such a long, I don`t want to do it right now until some idiot comes back.

BEHAR: No, you look good.

VOS: He is the coach, OK? And second of all, whoever was interviewing him, this is about football. Then it was (INAUDIBLE).

VOS: Yes.

LEARY: I`m not going to say anything about — about President Obama – –

BEHAR: Ashton Kutcher doesn`t even have that. Ten years later they try to deny it and cut the bill in half.

GERGEN: And that is a big difference for governing.

BEHAR: But he is getting a third and fourth chance, Mel Gibson.

BEHAR: Come close. Remember when Barbara Walters asked her the same question or asked her for her opinion, she said I`m not going to answer it.

LEARY: That was one of my favorites.

BEHAR: He`s a big boy. And one issue that I know you`re passionate about as am I is the repeal of “don`t ask, don`t tell.”

OPRI: Sarah Palin is selling a good brand.

BEHAR: Yes. Thanks, ma.


BEHAR: Richard Pryor. I have to stop you because we`re out of time, but I must tell you, we thank you very much for your service. President Obama is on fire. May mean nothing to you but its killing Mel Gibson.” That`s good. That`s exactly right.

LEARY: Yes that was fantastic.

BEHAR: I don`t know when it is.

LEARY: And it was like two days.

BERNARD: I don`t think she`s trashing her.


Now, what about Miley Cyrus smoking salvia on a bong?

BEHAR: My feet are so stunning.

BEHAR: Are they runaways — where are they?

LEARY: Yes, that`s what I wanted to do. I grew up with a lot of girls like this.

BEHAR: And the room — the room and board and tuition.

GERGEN: Look, I thought that after the November elections, unless, he got himself back on track and got the economy on track, he could be a one- term president. And it comes on the heels of the most productive two years that we`ve had in generations.

BEHAR: That was a good one. Katrina — he had no regrets about Katrina.

BEHAR: I know.

BEHAR: It`s a Jewish holiday. And that`s what you remember?

I can`t believe Jon Stewart or Adam Roth or somebody didn`t tell me about this before. We`ll be right back. Half the country is watching “Dancing with the Stars” and the other half can`t spell “intelligent,” OK? Nothing on that one.


BEHAR: Ok. And because of our opponents, they were not going to let us have an up or down vote before the break, and that was the problem. Laura Bush says she and president poisoned during a meal in 2007. It`s private school, right? And here`s the thing —

LEARY: If you`re a comedian you`re like, you know what I mean?

LEARY: but you know, it wasn`t just New York City firefighters. Aren`t you happy about it? Or are you not happy?

VOS: That`s the one that makes you go oh?

BEHAR: Ok. I love that kid. I`ve been watching that kid who`s on — he used to work nights. That`s good. He put his foot in his mouth. This is the most fascinating Jets season to me. I want to relax. She will be able to provide for her children. Steroids is not the problem in the football.


LEARY: Well, it`s not living in Hollywood. These people who are saying he shouldn`t go. I thought, if I can make a book that`s really funny and cheap and has a lot of pictures, and really big, like a joke a page. You know what, I hate sports, anyway, but this is interesting to me.

BEHAR: The next one is about former Vice President Cheney out of intensive care and in great form plans to resume fishing, shooting people in the face, and pillaging the earth ASAP.

BEHAR: He`s being ironic, I think, but do you think that Obama will be a one-term president?

BEHAR: Ok, so do you miss George Bush being in office because I do. And it`s a difficult — it was a difficult journey. I`m going to miss it when it`s over.

LEARY: The guy is — he`s unbelievable. You had Sarah Palin two steps from the White House. Nine years is too long for these heroes. There is a lot of dark stuff on that show that it`s hard to write and it`s hard to play but there`s a lot of comic stuff especially in the marriage with his wife that`s just a lot of fun to play. And then, also a couple of weeks ago, one of their coaches or two weeks ago, one of their coaches was actually suspended for tripping a player on the Miami Dolphins. You know what? I say, “To each his own.” Merry Christmas, Rex.

BEHAR: Well, how do people know —

BEHAR: I know.

OPRI: As a lawyer, it`s another reason to write a contract.

We thought we`d get 3 percent growth, and it was only 2.6 percent.


BEHAR: Ok, let`s stay with the theme, then on your tweeting.

BEHAR: $50,000 a year?

LEARY: Yes. You can leave them out.

LEARY: I wouldn`t write him off. Bette Midler has beautiful feet. Didn`t you ever question, Joy, why not a sports figure saying, let`s have sex. I want like the newspaper or something funny that has big print. Julia`s helped her along — I don`t know. Coburn — that`s the one to take as a hostage. And now we walk around naked, we took one room and we turned it into an office for my wife, the other one we have like a wet bar and a Ping-Pong table.

BEHAR: Right.

BEHAR: Poor guy. Now, I have my own network. So if they`re going to arrange a marriage —

They are the people who literally gave everything. I don`t know.

GILLIBRAND: We lost almost a thousand in mission critical areas that can`t easily —

BEHAR: I like that. And it was their passion and drive. So, we brought in our other colleagues, our Republican colleagues, Senator Enzi, and we brought in Senator Coburn and we talked to them and Senator Schumer and I asked them, what do you need to pass this bill?

BERNARD: Yes, but this is totally not the same thing as all those other things. Bill Clinton.

BEHAR: So you know, I noticed that you mostly take on Republicans. I just think it`s funny — it`s funny to say. I don`t want to step on Sarah`s toes. Nobody is interested in what I eat and what I wear. Is it your favorite holiday?


UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: What do you think?

GILLIBRAND: To serve this country that you can`t base on who you love.

BEHAR: Why? Why did it take so long? Did it languish under the Bush administration?

BEHAR: So what? A lot of people are. They`re the ones who stayed Christmas Day looking for remains. She`s so rich she can buy her own country and move there.


BEHAR: I see.

BEHAR: Oh, boy. We`re back to the House. They weren`t Democrats and Republicans that day and afterwards —


BEHAR: No, no, well, you have a few lines. It`s, hey, —

And the conservatives will come back and tell you, yes, it`s the most expensive, you damned near bankrupted the country in the process. Anyone who can have more than 15 minutes of fame and have people liking it, they`re doing a good job.

BEHAR: OK. I respect her. Carolyn Maloney, Jerry Nadler, Peter King in the House wrote a bill. I mean, I just pick — I don`t, my thing is like what is the — like I don`t pick on Lindsay Lohan. Right. Which kid is he talking about? You know? It was Conan. And now, we have $4.3 billion for the health care of these heroes and for the costs for compensation.

BEHAR: You know what Denis? They`re not Wall Street bankers so they don`t care. I actually think what happened was Jon Stewart did that whole half hour about the issue and all of a sudden it`s passed like a week later.

GILLIBRAND: And who we are as a nation.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Oh, are you sure?

BEHAR: You`re big on that right?

LEARY: She is one of the great comedies of all time; she refuses to go away.

BEHAR: She is a Disney star. I suck at math. Why are you bringing in his personal foot fetishes? It has nothing to do with it. Now I really love her. It`s the men and women of our country who, when their voices are heard, can truly move mountains. I really wasn`t. But I did see his tweeting things and I thought, well that`s actually pretty funny. Poor girl.


DENIS LEARY, ACTOR: I know. Come on.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: OK. Second chance. Experts fear it could affect up to five Americans.

BEHAR: But that used to be $20,000 just about ten years ago.

VOS: Yes.


They were like shocked. Who wants parents, like, to pick your — you want to advance past their social status.


LEARY: I`m just telling you.

BEHAR: Thank you for doing this. I don`t pay attention. He`s perfect for you.

BEHAR: It`s like a psycho drama for podiatrists.

BEHAR: Right. I saw the movie. All I want for Christmas are your two bare feet —

LEARY: Oh, yes. We passed it. I do. I`m sure he`ll never take credit for it but it was out of the news. It`s perfect.

LEARY: Well, that`s like UMass was like a $100 a year for — for people when they went.

GILLIBRAND: Well, you know, this is something we`ve been working on for nine years, and it took so much to bring it to this point. He`s got the tax cut deal, “don`t ask don`t tell,” yes.

LEARY: Who doesn`t want to read that?




But you know we got to stop some of these kids, we`ve got to educate them. I mean, I think there`s a couple of Obama things in there, too. Now, congratulations on getting the 9/11 bill passed. I really don`t know who she is. So Jon Stewart deserves credit. Right now it`s not looking good.


BEHAR: Oh, yes.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I take very good care of them.

LEARY: Yes, we are, actually.

LEARY: It doesn`t matter. He sounded like he doesn`t remember it.

LEARY: That was `97 so that was 13 — I`m so bad at math, 13 years ago?


GERGEN: OK, Joy. Huge mistake.

LEARY: You know? Not Sarah Palin because she won`t show up. I`m the decider.

BEHAR: All right. They answered the call of duty when we asked them.

I love Lindsay. And then, whatever happens, happens.”

BEHAR: I don`t know.

LEARY: I love that.

Return to Transcripts main page


Interview With Denis Leary; Interview With Sen.

BEHAR: I don`t want one of those fetishes to come out.

LEARY: It`s a brilliant show and he is a brilliant comedian. They`re not that stupid.

BEHAR: No it`s not.

BEHAR: Yes. And she just happens to do a lot of stupid things.

LEARY: He still has this — this crazy swagger confidence thing going while — while sitting there interviewed by Matt Lauer I think and he said you know, the — the mission impossible or something — yes, huge mistake. I love this girl. It`s about national security. Ends up we`re related to that kid.

LEARY: I know, it`s — it`s unbelievable.

LEARY: Ok. Right. It`s Dustin is the graduate going to Yentl. Let me check.

LEARY: No, I`m — look at me.

BEHAR: Yes, 30 years.

BEHAR: That`s nice.

BARACK OBAMA, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: I think it`s fair to say that this has been the most productive post-election period we`ve had in decades. Like, what`s her name, the singer — Amy Winehouse.


LEARY: And he needs to get a little bit more of the decider in him but you know —

Even when he was on the tour, the — the — the decision points tour – –

GILLIBRAND: And that`s what our Democracy is all about.

BEHAR: — financial reform, the health care bill got passed. I want to have these fans (ph) to go on my own and meet somebody.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Oh, yes. And I think there`s a lot to be said for arranged marriage with affection.

LEARY: Nobody at Ground Zero, when they arrived over the course of those three months which is one of the most amazing things.

BEHAR: Yes. These people really risked their lives and their health for the benefit of the American people.

And for ten years, it was probably about three years afterwards they started to say we`re having some health problems. It`s an easy contract. I really miss that.

LEARY: It was two days and then we just went crazy.

LEARY: They`re pretend Jews. He`s not cheating on anybody. Which by the way, let`s talk about that for a second. I`m sorry.

LEARY: There`s big bloom in Irish culture right now. What? Because it said that she was sneaking back in. Thank you, guys. I can touch them?



BEHAR: Well, his book is a total white wash.

BEHAR: “Lettuce recalled in 23 states. We had the votes we needed to pass it. I mean, these men and women are literally dying of cancer, terrible cancers in their esophagus, in their lungs, in their digestive tract.

LEARY: Otherwise we end up like right now, there`s one in four kids are too fat to be in the military. They were great to write for. You have other things to say?

LEARY: Where am I going to go?

BEHAR: What took it so long? I mean, it seems like an open-and-shut case. I want to laugh.

BEHAR: Exactly, a lot of tweets. He wrote down the family history.

And I`m trying to find ways to make more money for my charity and I thought, I like big, dumb books.


LEARY: Well, the guard said (INAUDIBLE) but thank God she did because I`m going to get at least three or four tweets out of this. Welcome to the show, Senator Kirsten Gillibrand.

BEHAR: But he has been —

OPRI: This is what they`re doing to get the public interested in sports on all levels. But he does — he`s — you`ve got to hand it to him. Luckily for us he has taken to Twitter and given us his thoughts on what`s going on in the world. We`re missing — you know in those recorded phone calls, those did not all happen in one day.

BEHAR: Well, they pretend. You don`t have to like each other. Let me show you something that David Letterman said last night, then I want to ask you a question.

But I have to say a word about who really made the difference. That`s the Jets also.

OPRI: It`s all subliminal. What is that about?

BEHAR: You have to shame them. Now look at him.


LEARY: Some comedy in there.

BEHAR: Ok, here is one about Mel Gibson. She calls her a C and she punches her in the face.


BEHAR: The Leary Firefighters Foundation. Come on.

BEHAR: Are you happy with the amount?

LEARY: He doesn`t want to be associated with me. And great to talk to you again.

GILLIBRAND: Well, thank you, Joy.

LEARY: — my main thing is —

LEARY: You don`t hear more about firefighters dying from day to day because they do their job so well.

BEHAR: Well, that sex scandal was grist for the mill for years.

BEHAR: Speaking of comics I hear that you have this competitive thing with Conan O`Brien. She`s come a long way from mayor of Wasilla.

BEHAR: They`re pretend Jews.

BEHAR: You know where I went at, I went to Queens College. I can tell you. I should ask my kids.

BEHAR: It`s outrageous. It was over, it was dead. Because I`m — I`m — my kids are gone.

LEARY: You know, I — here`s what I would say to Sarah Palin. And I think they`re going to come back.

What`s the missing link? We don`t get what set the thing off, all right?

BEHAR: And losing Arabic translators because they were gay, it`s just really —

BEHAR: Yes. You don`t look a day over 35.

BEHAR: He is Dr. It was nine years of advocacy, culminating just at this holiday season, and that`s why I was asking for a Christmas miracle because it is the will of these people finally shining through that made this happen.

BEHAR: And also, it wasn`t just a woman who really did a lot of the work, yourself, and then, you brought in the women Republicans, Olympia Snowe.


GILLIBRAND: Jon was an extraordinary advocate, and he used his position as a world renowned figure to put focus on this issue and that, plus a lot of our newspapers in New York, really just did not stop advocating on behalf of the American people.

BEHAR: Yes. Hum. “Suck on This Year” is Leary`s latest book, a collection of his tweets from this years. The liberals, the Democratic Party will tell you, we got the more legislation passed than anybody else since Lyndon Johnson.

BEHAR: Definitely. His gaffes were on calendars everywhere.

BEHAR: That`s different. I have to say, guys I know are really upset about this. And we just took over. There`s a couple of Bill Clinton ones in there too.

BEHAR: Half mayor, half whatever she was, governor.


OPRI: I love America.

BEHAR: OK. You try to explain that to people.

LEARY: I don`t blame him.

LEARY: We`ve been together for 28. Do you know that I stopped doing stand up when he was out of office? I haven`t done stand up —

LEARY: They went to college. I like Oprah, too.

LEARY: Well, mostly Republicans. It`s close to half.



BEHAR: Let`s not forget Dustin and the rest of you who believe that you still have to sleep with the person. This lame duck, I think, you`re right. I have nothing funny about this. They passed it immediately. I`m done. I got to quit.

LEARY: — there was a couple times where you`re like, George, what did you just say?

BERNARD: And she can say what she wants to say. Look.

BERNARD: It`s called a blind date.

BEHAR: I know.

BEHAR: That`s who should be in that video, not these.

BEHAR: Will we get them all back now?

LEARY: He has a lot. He`s got that sort of frat boy thing of like, yes. They`re going sex. What about the rest of us?

Denis Leary has quite the accomplished career as a comedian, an actor and author. There`s no other way around that. I like Sarah Palin. “Elena Kagan would become third Jewish Supreme Court justice. Catch Rich Vos at Mohegan Sun on New Year`s Eve, not Bergen County.

LEARY: I don`t want to think. Our democracy is based on the principle that it starts at the grass roots.

GERGEN: What we got here is a president who`s back with a long, long way to go. I can`t believe that these guys tried to filibuster their way through it. They have like —

BEHAR: She is funny and beautiful. That guy. And he does a half hour about it and all of a sudden that was all over the place and now it`s passed. He is a one-man team. What I`m saying is it`s not really the most intelligent country in the planet

Ok. Dustin Hoffman`s new movie “Little Fockers” is all about the difficulties in relationships, and he`s using the opportunity to extol the virtues of arranged marriage. I think he had no choice but to do what he did and, you know, the truth is most economists think that bill, when you look at it in totality is going to help growth. You don`t have to get me started about firefighters and about how under- appreciated they are. It`s not so lame. But it`s close to half. Take a look.

BEHAR: Yes. It`s you`re not really stupid.

BEHAR: Me too.


BEHAR: I don`t want anybody telling me —

BEHAR: Right.

All I want for Christmas is your two bare feet your two bare feet yes your two bare feet.



BEHAR: Thank you so much, Kirsten, really.

BERNARD: I just like the fact that you`ve watched “Eat, Pray, Love.”

BEHAR: Oh, I see.

BEHAR: You know, in the next segment I want to read some of your tweets.

BEHAR: You know what, just listening to you, I can see why you`re such a fire cracker. They stood with us the whole time and so did Mark Kirk from Illinois. We`re the ones who suffered in this city.

LEARY: Usually we just — which is the same thing this year — my crazy Irish family comes to my house and there`s a lot of fun and a lot of yelling and screaming and fighting and old feuds re-erupt. This is one of the happily married Hollywood celebrities.

LEARY: Jon Stewart may have put this over the hump. Come on.


And we listened, and we worked it out, and now, we have a stronger bill, a better bill, and one that will really deliver for these first responders, and it`s good for five years. This is a long story. We have no time left. And that`s really, you know, when the American people say we`re tired of Washington, we`re tired of how broken it is, this is what they`re asking for.


BEHAR: And it looked as though Jon Stewart, a comedian, put it over the top with his coverage (ph).

LEARY: I love Christmas. He`s my favorite.

LEARY: Save 9/11.


BEHAR: Of course.

LEARY: And that`s it. I`m talking about Sarah. He`s got himself back, politically.

BEHAR: We keep hearing about this lame duck session of Congress, but there`s one senator who`s anything but lame (ph)